white flower in the afternoon
It’s been a long hard year. And I’m relieved to put it behind me. I think that in order to have survived this year, I’ve had to put everything and everyone behind me. I’ve been forced to move on even though all I’ve wanted to do is wallow in my sorrows and cry. The outside world wont let me mourn. They don’t accept the fact that it’s been a tough year and that there are people in this world that you care about. All they care about are covers, numbers, profits and loss, labor and schedules. They don’t really care about the quality of what they put out, they only act like they do.
But I care, I still do. I care about the people that have left us. I care about the work I do. I care about the person I am, who I want to become. Even if I’m not really sure of who I want to become is.
I do know that I miss ama, I miss tita ling and yes, Charlie, I miss you too. You may not realize it, but you were one cool dude.
I miss mentos and white flower in the afternoon. Ramen noodles with ice cubes as merienda, swinging on your dress skirt, walking behind you as you smoked cigarettes, watching you spray aquanet in your hair, trying to imitate the same style with absolute failure.
Have I properly mourned for you? I don’t think so. I don’t even think I’ve scratched the surface of sorrow. But every day I think of you. Every day I wish you were here. Because knowing that you were around made me feel that much better, safer, loved…
Am I still loved? Yes. Will the ones you love still be loved? Of course. Will we move on? We have to. Will we think of you? Always.
So as I ring in this new year, at home (or at least the place I live) I’m hoping for happiness, for joy and success. I will grow up and move on, never forgetting you, always thinking of you, missing you and trying to make you proud.
Cheers to 2012, a new year with new beginnings, new memories and new loves. Let’s do it
